One day a cell-mate managed to get a copy of the local newspaper and brought it to the cell. There, on the front page, was an interview with the prison’s Deputy Governor. Many questions touched upon the appalling living conditions in prisons. Deputy Governor denied that such problem existed; his answers were brief and precise: “Lies. Nonsense. Prisoners’ food is checked by sanitary inspectors.”

We were too outraged to laugh. He should have given that interview after being fed at least for a week on prison’s hog-wash! I doubt his answers would be the same.

The kind of food prisoners are provided with may be good for anything but not for their stomachs. When prison swill cools off it turns into a hard rock suitable for hammering in nails. Provided you manage to pick it off the plate first. Prisoners who push daily hog-wash down their stomachs start having digestive disorders practically from the first day. A couple of weeks on prison ‘diet’ eliminate any hope for the stomach to function properly. Actually every prisoner sooner or later is confronted with the dilemma: to eat or not to eat? Neither is good: eating will inevitably ruin your health, not eating will mean starving to death.

Having meals in prison reminds a gloomy pagan ritual. Having received a bowl of so-called ‘mash’ a prisoner takes it to the hole in the floor and carefully pours out all the liquid from the bowl. After that the remains are thoroughly washed in the water from the tap. The water then is poured out again. The procedure is repeated several times. Prisoners try to wash out animal fats which are particularly bad for the health. It sometimes takes about an hour. Not much is left in the bowl when the second stage of preparing meal begins. All the rotten and suspicious-looking bits are picked up which makes the prison ration even smaller. The purpose of the third stage is to make the remains eatable. That’s where inmates can demonstrate their imagination and cookery skills. Some just add boiling water, others mix in some of the foodstuffs they received from home.

I regularly had food parcels from home so I could afford not eating at all when I ran out of food. I was familiar with fasting practice, have tried it a few times before my arrest. However, it has never been longer than five or six days. In prison, the longest I have been without food and only drank water, is eighteen days. And I didn’t feel too bad.

In a way fasting in prison is easier than outside it where temptations are too many. The moment I decided to fast somebody would invite me to a barbecue or a birthday party which in this country always means excessive eating and drinking. In prison there are no temptations and psychologically fasting is much easier.

When in prison I usually had to start fasting not because I followed some well-thought of program but because I ran out of food. But I have always treated fasting as one of the methods of cleaning my system. My fastings have never been a political act like, for example, a protest against appalling living conditions of prisoners. I realized that nothing could be achieved by hunger strikes and had too many examples to prove it.

The moment a prisoner announced a hunger strike he was ‘invited for a discussion’ and ‘kindly explained’ that his scurvy trick was a severe infraction of prison rules. To make sure the prisoner gets a good understanding cops backed their words by clubs. In case the prisoner still insisted on going on strike he was sent back to the cell and all the foodstuffs were taken away from his cell-mates even though none of them offered support to the unfortunate mate. For a few days wardens ‘forget’ about the rebelious prisoner giving his cell-mates a chance to ‘persuade’ him making use of anything available in the cell. If the cell-mates fail to achieve positive results the stubborn prisoner is put in a separate cell where the living conditions would make previous cell seem a paradise on earth.

There are plenty of opportunities to die in prison except during the announced hunger strike. Prison administration won’t let you cause them unnecessary headache. When prisoner’s condition becomes critical he is hand-cuffed and smelly prison hog-wash is forced into his throat. With a sigh of relief the wardens report to their bosses that the hunger strike ‘has successfully come to its end’. As far as the ill-fated prisoner is concerned he, with terrible convulsions in his stomach, is transferred to a big cell with forty other prisoners for ‘re-education’. An eye is kept on him full time to make sure he doesn’t play a queer trick again.

How do you like such prospects? Doesn’t seem very attractive, I am afraid. It is quite different from what I have practiced in prison. No advertising, no announcements. I just started my fasting when I had to. The wardens’ logic is very simple: a prisoner refuses to eat because he doesn’t want to. He will eat when he gets hungry. If prison hog-wash doesn’t agree with his stomach, it is his personal problem.

Administration of the prison where I had the honor to spend six months was particularly proud of having its own bakery. They never failed to mention this outstanding fact in their reports to higher authorities.

When I first tasted prison bread a weird idea got into my head. I decided by all means to get a loaf of such bread out of prison and have it tested by experts to find out what it is made of. I myself failed to define the components of the mixture that resulted in such a masterpiece of culinary art. I tried to make myself eat prison bread but very soon gave up. It happened when I saw my cell-mates picking pieces of broken glass out of their teeth after prison breakfast.

Nobody knew where exactly the prison bakery was located. It had been rumored that its owner was one of the prisoners who enjoyed the comfort of a single cell with wooden floor and tiled walls. To secure him such luxury conditions the bakery that he either owned or controlled regularly provided prison with bread. I don’t know how true the story was but it at least explained a number of things. The quality of bread obviously wasn’t part of the deal and the unfortunate baker tried to cut down its cost to a minimum.

It is possible to do without bread but not without water. Water is vital for human body. When I first asked my lawyers to bring me a bottle of water they could not understand this simple request.

-Don’t you have water in the cell?

- I do.

- ?..

It was futile explaining. Prison undoubtedly had one big advantage compared to SPD: there was a water tap in every cell and prisoners could use it any time. As you remember, at SPD the tap was outside the cell and we had to ask the warden to turn it on every time we needed water. At night no water was available. However, prison and SPD had one thing in common: water in both places was absolutely unsuitable for drinking. But in prison heating elements - a real luxury- were allowed, so we could always boil some water. The water from the tap had never been clear, it always had a bit rusty coloring. And its peculiar smack would not disappear even after boiling. I can only imagine what kind of pipes it ran through before getting to the tap.

On the outside, in the bustle of daily problems, people forget that their lives balance on razor’s edge. One careless movement and you are out of the game. Everything we have to face today is the result of our previous deeds. All is in full conformity to the laws of nature, be it a reincarnation or an ordinary meal.

What we eat is never neutral. It is either nourishing or poisonous. Notions ‘tasty’ or ‘tasteless’ food were invented by chefs in the kitchen who are competing in finding better ways to poison people. Taste is just your subjective perception of the things you eat. In fact, it is the expediency in selecting foodstuffs for each individual that matters. The life span of a person depends to a great extent on what and how he eats, when and how much he eats.

Just think of how many exquisite ways of ruining their health have sophisticated homo sapiens invented! Alcohol, smoking, drugs… Behind bars excess to these temptations is limited. What an excellent opportunity to stop and think about your health. But it’s not that simple. Prisoners go out of their way to get cheap low quality cigarettes and breathing in small stuffy cells becomes impossible. The lucky ones roll their ‘hits’ hiding in the corner. Others chip in and buy cheap vodka from the wardens.

The most popular prison drink is ‘chefir’. It is quite easy to make: a big packet of tea is brewed in a half-liter bowl till it turns into a viscous liquid. Sometimes pills like validol or dimedrol are dissolved in it for better effect. The bowl is then passed around, each prisoner taking a small sip. After a few such sips your heart starts beating like a wounded bird in your chest. A satisfied smile appears on gloomy faces of prisoners. The whole ceremony looks like an ancient rite of Apache tribe. The conversation turns around prison life and sometimes ends in a noisy brawl. As a result, there are often changes in the cell after such chefir drinking ceremony - someone moves to a better bunk while the other is ordered to clean the toilet.

The cramped world of a prison cell is a miniature replica of the outside world. The laws in the pack of human beings are the same everywhere, they are just more distinct in prison. Somebody tries to be the boss while the other does everyone’s dishes without a murmur and is happy to have a cigarette butt for a smoke. Quite familiar situations, don’t you agree? Prisoners don’t often leave the cramped space of their cells, so what? You over there, on the outside, also fail to overcome terrestrial gravity and leave your planet. So don’t be too damn superior. There is always a chance for us to swap places.

No matter where you are at a certain moment - in the outer space or under the water, behind bars or in a luxury suite of the hotel - your body consists of what you eat. In other words, if people eat shit, it is of shit that their bodies are made up. However, it takes a certain time for it to start showing. Usually it takes seven years for the human body to be fully changed.

Every second something is changing inside human body, the process doesn’t stop for a moment. It starts a long time before we are born and goes on even after our physical death. A human being is an integral part of the Universe which can change its material form but will never cease to exist. Look at yourself. Are you the same person you used to be? It’s painful to admit that that other person is no longer here and your body today has little in common with what it used to be ten years ago. You can, of course, hide your head in the sand like an ostrich and not bother yourself with these problems. But sooner or later you will have to realize that everything your body was made of seven years ago has by now turned into green grass or an animal or scraps of paper blown by the wind along the deserted streets. And you have absorbed everything that surrounded you for the last seven years.

We can’t stop changes in our bodies. But we can influence and even direct them. First of all, by physical exercise and strict control over what we eat. In a way I was luckier than many other inmates: I got food parcels from home every two weeks. The maximum allowed weight of a parcel was eight kilos though no one could explain why eight and not five or ten. But it’s probably time for me to stop wondering and just accept the absence of any logic in prison regulations. There is a list of allowed and banned items which is different in every prison. Through my lawyers I was able to let my relatives know what foodstuffs I needed. Very often I felt like asking for the most important thing: enough dynamite to blow up the ‘unique architectural monument’ with all the staff.

In Dnepropetrovsk prison any foodstuffs that come in tins or cans are not included into a food parcel and therefore are allowed in unlimited quantities. In Kiev this is unheard of, we could only envy our Dnepropetrovsk counterparts. It is hardly possible to give recommendations as to the contents of a food parcel because requirements and bans keep changing even within one prison and often depend on the mood of local chiefs. They feel free to ban or allow things as they know there is no control over them and their orders. I think it’s worthwhile giving some advice to those who are still on the outside.

As I have already mentioned, food parcels up to eight kilos are allowed once in two weeks. Apart from food parcels, prisoners are allowed parcels with everyday items like clothes, footwear, etc. also once in a fortnight and theoretically unlimited in weight. I say ‘theoretically’ because in reality everything - the weight of a parcel and its contents - fully depends on the warden who checks it.

When you buy food and clothes for prisoners, do it very carefully. Things that have little importance on the outside become matters of primary importance behind bars. Imagine at least for a short moment that it is you who are in prison and the foodstuffs you are buying are supposed to last for two weeks. Eight kilos for fourteen days isn’t that much! I usually managed to make a parcel last for eight-ten days and had to fast the remaining time till the new parcel arrived. Not all my cell-mates received food parcels every two weeks. Eating by myself, especially in a small cell with hungry eyes watching me enviously was out of the question. I knew I didn’t have to share with everyone else but I always did. For me it is being human. Have pity on the less fortunate. It’s the unwritten law of prison camaraderie.

Among the most practical foodstuffs in prison I would single out dried fruit first: raisins, dried apricots, prunes, etc. They are easy to preserve and don’t need any special preparation before consuming. Dried fruit can also be used for making health-giving potions in combination with honey and lemon. The only negative point about dried fruit is that they are expensive and therefore can’t be afforded by everyone.

A food parcel usually contains some cheese, butter, nuts, rusks, fruit and vegetables. Many prisoners prefer pork fat and sausage but it’s a matter of personal tastes and needs, I suppose. As for me, I gave up meat a few years ago and my only regret is that I haven’t done it earlier. Eating meat of killed animals is not good for a human being from both religious and physiological standpoint. It only leads to wearing out and faster aging of the body. Or take for instance pork, so much loved by Ukrainians. Have you ever wondered why it is banned by so many different religions? You have plenty of time in prison to think about the eating habits of a nation as a whole and yours in particular.

I don’t want you to think that I am trying to make you change your mind. Arguing and proving my point of view is not worthwhile. What for? Everyone has to decide himself what is good for him and what is bad. Persuading people is a futile attempt, a waste of time and effort; it has to come from inside and become a conviction. It is impossible to persuade someone to become a vegetarian against his own will. Being a vegetarian is a way of life, it’s another world outlook.

If your cell-mate looks at things differently, don’t blame him and let him be himself. Don’t attempt to impose your views and eating habits on him. You can only succeed in antagonizing and annoying him. If a cell-mates feels like sharing his thoughts and ideas with you, he will; if not - it is his right to avoid any discussions. Many people dislike getting too personal, they withdraw into themselves, ignoring persistent questions of their fellow prisoners.

Most of my cell-mates were only glad to learn that I was a vegetarian: there was no need to share their pork fat and sausages with me. But they never failed to offer: “Come on, pal, have a piece. When you are out of here you can be a vegetarian again. Here the circumstances are different.” It did sound persuasive at times and the temptation was difficult to resist. But I remained true to my principles and even cut down the amount of food I allowed myself to eat. After a while my body got used to the changes and I am glad I managed to stand the test.

Each food parcel contained tea and instant coffee, of course. Some prisoners preferred leaf tea in big packets - it was better suited for making strong tea or famous prison chefir. Others liked tea bags better and tried to make at least two cups of tea with one bag. Fruit teas were good even after they had cooled off.

Another popular item of food parcels is instant noodles. They are quick and easy to make - just pour some boiling water over and the noodles are ready to eat. Compared to the prison hog-wash instant noodles seemed almost a luxury.

Even though I don’t smoke, cigarettes have always been part of my parcels from home. In prison cigarettes can often substitute money. For a few cigarettes warden would allow you to stay a bit longer in the prison yard. A cell-mate would do your washing for you in exchange for cigarettes. You can also share cigerettes with friends but avoid giving them out - such extravagancy will never be understood.

Though money is strictly banned in prison cells most prisoners do have at least $20 stashed away for ‘a rainy day’. No prisoner, even the most stupid or slow-witted one, will ever admit having money or let others know that he has it. It is a tabu topic. Money is never discussed. If some money is found during the shake-down its owner is in big trouble. Possessing money, watches or scissors is considered a severe infraction of prison rules. Any infraction entails punishment, the most typical of which is segregation unit. People on the outside find it difficult to believe that a person can be punished or even mutilated for such a minor offense as possessing a pair of scissors, for example. They will think it a bad joke.

The world behind bars is different. There is no stove or microwave in the cell. Most of the bare necessities we are so used to have at home are not available in prison. Many times prisoners attempted to make a kind of a cooker using a couple of heating elements. For some time it would function facilitating unpretentious prison cooking. But sooner or later the improvised cooker would be taken away during one of the shake-downs. Apart from heating elements no other electrical appliances are allowed to prisoners. So most of us can manage a decent soup just with the help of a heating element. The recipe is simple: first boil some water in a bowl, then add some cereal or whatever else is available and cook it with the heater inside till it’s ready. The method allows to feed a few people at a time. There is only one socket in the cell which is not enough to satisfy the needs of a few people. But any extentions or T-joints are strictly forbidden.

Prison wardens are extremely curious. They are always ready to rummage through the smelly belongings of prisoners or look in their anal cavities. During numerous shake-downs (often several times a day) they are not ashamed of taking anything they like from prisoners. Inmates in their turn do their best to hide personal things that are particularly dear to them. Days pass by, some are busy hiding things, others - finding them and taking away. Nobody is idle.

Another common practice in prison is so-called ‘shopping’. Prisoners are given a list of items they can purchase from the prison shop. The selection is very poor, there are very few things that a prisoner might really need. Besides, there is a limit as to how much money can be spent a month. The amount is ridiculous: something between three and four American dollars. Nobody knows who set such restrictions but they are carefully observed.

Both prisoners and wardens would benefit if the stupid regulations were canceled. Prisoners would be able to have better meals and consequently wouldn’t be so embittered. Hungry people are more agressive so there would be fewer fights. Besides, among prisoners there are quite well-off people who would not eat prison hog-wash if they could have better things. And most prisoners would spend at least five times more than they are now allowed on food and other necessities from the prison shop.

But nobody really cares. Wardens are not interested in any changes, they make good money on stupid bans and restrictions. The more problems prisoners have the more they are prepared to pay to avoid them.

I have talked for too long… Time to make some soup for dinner. Will somebody stand by the door so that I can cut some onions with a sharpened spoon? Where is it, by the way? Oh, right here, under the newspaper with the article on dieting, herbalife and fat reducing pills. They don’t know what they are doing on the outside! Why complicate things? Great ideas are always very simple. You want to lose weight? Go urinate on the door of the police station and within fifteen days you are sure to get rid of ten kilos. Cheap and effective. If you are released sooner than I take out a patent for it.